Grief unfolds in its own ways and proceeds at its own pace. It can be hard-hitting or gentle and compassionate, and anything in between. For many, it is also a somewhat unwelcome visitor that can arrive in unexpected moments, sometimes even months or years later. Regardless of the course it takes, everyone’s experience of it varies—sometimes even by the hour or day.

While grief is typically defined as a human response to a significant loss, it is most often addressed in the context of the death of a loved one. However, there are several forms of grief that extend beyond this. And our society often misses the mark in providing kind of support and acknowledgement that is most needed for processing and healing. This blog post briefly explores the most common approach to grief, looks at the ways society falls short, and introduces a new way of holding grief that offers gentle compassion and patience that is often missing from the picture. First, let’s look at a few basic terms for clarity.

The Language of Grief

Grief, loss, and mourning are interconnected terms, where loss describes the event or state of losing someone or something, and mourning centers around the outward expression of grief through ceremony, rituals, and gatherings. Although there is no clearly-defined course for processing significant losses, the term complicated grief can be used to describe a prolonged and debilitating state of grief, often extending beyond expected sociocultural norms, that leaves people frozen in time and unable to function in their lives.

Disenfranchised grief describes the feeling of being caught in between but not seen. In other words, it describes a loss that is not typically validated or understood by others. A full list of the various types of disenfranchised grief would be longer than you might imagine, but common examples include the loss of an abusive family member or partner, an estranged parent, a secret lover, someone who died by suicide or overdose, was in prison, or was not a direct connection but still meant something to you. Those who experience loss of cognitive ability, physical health or mobility, and even loss of one’s rights, independence, and sense of safety in society can also feel invisible and alone in their emotional pain.

Ambiguous loss describes the pain felt for someone who is physically present but psychologically absent, or vice versa. This can be confusing, especially before the feeling is recognized for what it is. A similar sense of loss also emerges around what didn’t happen, but could/should have: interrupted timelines, absent caregivers, neglect, abuse, or trauma for example. Historical or generational trauma, including for those who were enslaved or experienced forms of oppression, genocide, or racial injustice, also fall into this category of loss.

Lastly, collective grief is held in large-scale disasters, terrorist attacks, wars, and pandemics that span large geographical areas, societies, religions, and even generations. While this is not an exhaustive list or exploration of grief, it is meant to provide a basic overview of the myriad types of grief that one might experience. As you can guess, things like anticipatory grief, delayed reactions, and secondary losses can also occur.

What’s Missing and What’s Needed for Grief

Ask almost anyone what they know about dealing with grief, and they might think of Kübler-Ross’ five-stage model of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. What most people aren’t aware of is that this model was actually developed directly for those who have a terminal illness or condition. Over time, this model has instead been used for the bereaved, and while it does provide a basic framework of understanding, it can lock people into certain expectations while missing important nuances, contexts, cultural backgrounds, and individual characteristics. It is not uncommon for people to wonder what’s wrong with them, or even whether they are grieving “wrong”, when their own experiences do not match some of these expectations.

In 2019, Anderson Cooper started All There Is, a podcast series centered on moving conversations of grief, loss, and love. Cooper spoke at one point to Stephen Colbert about the isolation of grief. Even decades later, Colbert had wondered, “Why is nobody asking me about this? My brothers died forty-five years ago, and sometimes I’ll go, ‘How come nobody is asking me about Paul?’” Through this series emerged an important overarching conversation about grief, most notably when Cooper spoke with author Francis Weller about his book The Wild Edge of Sorrow and its concepts of the Five Gates of Grief. In American society, moving through grief is often too results-oriented, too transactional, too swift. Many need the added nuance, the slower pace, and a way of valuing and nurturing their grief. This is where Francis Weller’s work converges so beautifully with parts work as a therapeutic approach.

The Five Gates of Grief

“Before you know kindness as the deepest thing inside,
you must know sorrow as the other deepest thing.
You must wake up with sorrow.
You must speak to it till your voice
catches the thread of all sorrows
and you see the size of the cloth.”

— excerpt from "Kindness" by Naomi Shihab Nye

Francis Weller’s poignant exploration of grief in his book, The Wild Edge of Sorrow, presents a beautiful and touching way of acknowledging the many ways sorrow enters our lives. This book was the centerpiece of IFS Lead Trainer Ann Sinko’s presentation on the multiplicity of grief at the Internal Family Systems (IFS) Annual Conference in 2021. IFS acknowledges that, not only are there many types of loss, but there are also many parts of us that will have different responses to each loss. Weller’s Five Gates of Grief provide a beautiful framework for this:

The First Gate
Everything we love, we will lose

The Second Gate
The places of shame that have not known love, compassion, or warmth

The Third Gate
The sorrows of the world

The Fourth Gate
What we expected and did not receive

The Fifth Gate
Ancestral and legacy grief

Holding and Supporting Grief

Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy offers an effective, evidence-based approach to understanding, transforming, and healing the human experience. This approach also supports the natural grieving process with compassion and care, allowing space to heal from painful losses without feeling rushed or overwhelmed. Grief is viewed as a constellation of parts of us that are responding to loss in their own ways. Rather than grief being approached as a pathology or problem to fix or avoid, there is an opportunity to turn toward it with curiosity. We can bring patience, compassion, and care to an otherwise emotionally dark time.

Who’s grieving? Different parts of us may have their own responses to the loss, and their own timelines for grieving. Parts may swoop in to shut down, numb, distract, avoid, rage. Others may be more tender and vulnerable, lost in sorrow and yearning, or suddenly feeling like a five-year-old missing their hero. Inner polarizations may emerge. Yet one by one, IFS therapy offers a chance to spend time with the parts of you that are coming up in relation to the grief and loss. It is through this process that we can identify and differentiate these many different parts and their emotions in a way that creates more spaciousness and ease inside. As more space opens up, you will slowly regain more access to your Self—a core, undamaged essence inside that carries qualities such as calm, clarity, compassion, connection, courage, curiosity, creativity, and confidence. This Self offers internal wisdom, guidance, and an inherent ability to heal from within.

There is hope for a return to equilibrium and spaciousness within you, even with the many responses that arise from within your grief. It is possible to experience this Self-led grieving through witnessing parts, being with them in the way they most need, and fostering Self-connection with each of them. Parts will have the opportunity to feel seen, heard, and even held in their grief. Trust that, when they are ready, parts will find their own way forward, perhaps defining new rituals and ways to honor what was lost, or finding community support alongside this inner work.

Resources

Grief Survey: A Study of Human Emotional Experience via University of York, UK

The Wild Edge of Sorrow book by Francis Weller

All There Is with Anderson Cooper podcast series

Facing Our Grief podcast episode with Anderson Cooper and Francis Weller

Wails (Songs for Grief) by Alexandra Blakely

Let’s Connect

Reach out to check availability and request a free 20-minute consultation with Alicia. During the consultation, we can discuss what is bringing you to therapy, and explore whether it makes sense to incorporate IFS and/or art therapy for supporting grief.

Alicia Dabney, LMFT, LPCC, LPC, ATR-BC is a Certified IFS therapist (Level 3) and IFS Approved Clinical Consultant licensed in California and Oregon. She has been a Program Assistant for IFS Institute Level 1 and 2 trainings and presented with Marianne Turley, LMFT at the IFS Annual Conference in 2022. Special topics of additional training include Somatic IFS, intercultural competence, IFS and grief, IFS-informed psychedelic preparation and integration, chronic illness, and complex trauma.